Marriage is truly a beautiful thing but when you are not equipped, it can be a treacherous road. In the earlier years of our marriage we went through some truly trying times. Looking back now, there are some things we wished we knew before we got married. Let’s jump right in!
The Importance of Premarital Counselling
Premarital counselling provides a safe space to work through some tough but important matters in your relationship before you enter into the covenant of marriage. It was not a step we took simply because we thought that love was all we needed to make our marriage successful. We were convinced that we didn’t need anyone else to tell us how to love each other. So we went ahead, without counsel, and soon found ourselves struggling for air. It got really challenging, really quickly.
Take it from us, premarital counselling is valuable. It is not someone telling you how to love each other but instead, you are being guided in thinking through your thoughts and emotions on the topics that have significant impact on marriages. Each relationship has its unique differences and so, there is really no “one-size-fits-all” advice. Take the time to invest in receiving godly counsel to help prepare you for the journey of marriage. And that brings us to our second point…
Marriage is a Journey (A Marathon, Not a Sprint)
Having been together for 6 years prior to marriage, we subconsciously believed that marriage would have simply and immediately smoothed out any issues we were experiencing. Though we were not walking as Christians at that time, we knew deep down that our way of life was not what it should be. In our minds, marriage would have been an immediate fix to all our problems. WRONG! Marriage is a lifelong journey. There are no quick fixes. It takes dedication, commitment and work to improve on the things that are negatively impacting your relationship…and those things change over time. It is important to be open and sensitive to changes in your relationship so that you do not miss opportunities to improve on weak areas or to truly enjoy your strengths. Be prepared to build resilience and persistence as you go on this marital journey. In no uncertain terms, our experience taught us that the best way to develop these characteristics is to walk in obedience to God, seeking Him daily and pressing in to your relationship with Him.
The True Meaning of Love
As we came into true relationship with God, we began to learn the true meaning of love. Prior to this journey with God, we saw love as “making each other happy” but that surely was not enough and it was NOT WORKING. Love is so much more than a feeling. It is also a daily choice to put another person before you. It is a choice to be kind, patient, forgiving, encouraging, respectful, honouring and supportive, even when it’s hard for you. It is putting your words into action – not just saying that you care about the person but taking the time to understand what caring looks like to them and providing that in the way that aligns with the Word of God. Love is described in detail in many places throughout Scripture but we have held firmly to two particular Scriptures on our journey so far: 1 Cor 13:4-7 and Eph 5:21-30. We encourage you to read and meditate on these as well, in the Amplified version for greater context.
Understand Your Individuality
In marriage, one can easily get so wrapped up in the joint identity of the couple that they forget who they are individually. This was our experience – we were so focused on “trying to make each other happy” that we lost our individual selves in the process. The Bible does tell us (and therefore, we believe) that “the two become one flesh” in marriage. There is another perspective to consider though, Eph 2:10 tells us that “…we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”. God has made each one of us with a specific purpose. He has prepared work for each person to do. When we lose sight of that in order to please our spouse, our anyone else, it becomes idolatry. God and His purpose for your life is no longer your focus but this other human being is…and that is dangerous territory. God gives us individual and joint purpose in marriage. God may call you to use your gifts in one way while calling your spouse to use theirs in a completely different way. The gifts and purposes may intersect or complement each other but in order to fulfill God’s plan for you as a couple, each person needs to operate in the way they were made to. Stifling your gift to elevate the gift of the other person is not God’s intent. He gave you passion, purpose and talent too, and He gave it to you for a reason – find it. We completely believe in supporting each other in your individual pursuits. We also believe that each individual has something to offer in the union and neither should be silenced nor stifled – there is infinite value in unity and agreement in marriage. Seek to find the place of intersection of your individual gifts and use them powerfully together.
Get Help When You Need It
Sometimes, asking for help can be perceived as weakness and so we refrain from doing it. This was one major misconception we had to overcome in our marriage. We often put on the façade of our “outside faces” when interacting with others but when those masks came off, behind closed doors, we were a complete mess with no clue how to clean it up. It wasn’t until we saw the value of vulnerability that we started to be more open about our issues and more willing to receive counsel. This, friends, is the value of a good Bible-believing, love-giving, church family. In our small groups, we were able to share with other couples our issues and we were also able to learn from theirs. Pretending to be okay only causes further decay in your lives. There is no shame is asking for help to resolve the issues you are facing. No one has it totally together. Find yourself a trustworthy couple who can provide you with godly counsel, help you to understand your situation better and ultimately, help you to come out on the other side of it stronger. Get help. There is no shame in it.
We pray that this helps to give you another take on marriage preparation. Don’t let our mistakes be yours too.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
1 Pet 4:8 (NIV)
Blessings,
The Macks