“This journey is not about waiting for God to do something for me. It is about me being fully surrendered to what He has called me to do for Him, however He wants me to do it.“
– Renate McDonald
Waiting is an uncomfortable but inevitable thing for all of us. Waiting is a part of life and more specifically, an integral part of our faith as Christians, followers of Christ. A god of instant gratification requires no faith at all – that is certainly not our God of the Bible. The God of the Bible, Yhwh, requires faith from us as His children. Verses 6 of Hebrews 11 asserts that “without faith it is impossible to please God”. It reminds us of the requirement of believing that God indeed exists and that He will reward those who diligently seek Him.
But what is faith really? Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”. Faith means that we believe though we do not see. We believe because God has said so and His Word affirms it. We believe because we first believe that God is real, faithful, and true. The hope that springs in our hearts is anchored to Jesus Christ, and Him alone (Hebrews 6:19). That anchor is firm, secure, and enduring. Simply put, faith means that we believe what God has said even when everything around us contradicts the promise.
My Story
By now you may be wondering what equips me to speak to you about waiting. I’ll tell you. For the past eleven years, my husband and I have been trying and believing for conception of a child. For the first two years of that journey, we were not walking with the Lord. It was simply something we wanted. Then, in 2014, I committed my life to Christ and my husband recommitted his. We have been journeying along with Him ever since. The moment I got saved, I started to ask the Lord about this child. Afterall, it was the greatest desire of my heart at that time. I expected that since I was on God’s side now, He would give me the desires of my heart because that’s what we learn culturally, right? So, I spent my time praying and agonizing over this desire for a child. I cried frequently and battled so much sadness while hoping that my husband would not realize just how much pain I was feeling. I spent my days pouring over my desires with God but also learning more about Him and His true character. Eventually, I learned that God is not here to fulfil my every desire but instead, I am here to fulfil His. I learned the true context of the Scripture often misused in our culture, Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will grant you the desires of your heart”
Psalm 37:4
Being granted the desires of my heart comes as a result of me delighting myself in the Lord. It is not a stand-alone statement. Additionally, when I delight in the Lord, my desires become aligned with His good, pleasing, and perfect will for my life. He is the Alpha and Omega; He is the One who knows the beginning from the end. So, who am I to think that the desires of my flesh can or should supersede what my Creator has in store for me? My role is to seek after Him wholeheartedly and align myself with what He has instructed.
As I continued along this journey of discovery with the Lord, the pain of the wait persisted. My heart continued to ache for a child. In one Bible study group, I was confronted with this question: “What if God does not do what you are asking Him to do? How will you respond?”. I froze. I knew what I was supposed to say but I could not open my mouth to say it knowing that I did not believe it in my heart. This opened my eyes to how much I truly was not submitted to God’s will but still holding on to my own perception of what He should do for me. How entitled! The truth though, is that many Christians experience this at some point in their walk. We believe that because we are “doing the work of the Lord” then He should or rather, He must, do for us what we expect – give us the spouse, the child, the job, the home, the…fill in the blank! And not only that, but we also often expect Him to do it within our timeframe.
Shifting Perspective
Think about this from the perspective of a parent and a child. If you are a parent and your child demands that you give them a sweet because they have been “good” in their eyes and they want it now, but you know that a sweet at this time is not good for them. Or a child who insists that he or she is ready to move out on their own at eighteen years old though they have no experience or true understanding of running a household. How would you respond? Most parents would immediately move to protect the child from their own ignorance. This is what God does for us over and over and over again. We don’t know what we don’t know, and we can never truly understand the fullness of the mind of God. Do you truly trust and believe that He cares for you and that His plan for your life is perfect? If your mouth is saying yes but your heart is still hesitating, then you have some things to work through with God. This is where your faith is tested and tried. We act on what we believe so if you truly believe that God’s plan for you is perfect, you will walk in whatever direction He sends you without expecting or demanding anything in return.
God the Father, through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ, granted us the free gift of salvation and eternal life though we did not deserve it. He chose to provide a way for us while we were still His enemies. How can we come before Him with demands and selfish expectations? He gave everything for us. Our response to this truth must be incessant gratitude and humility before Him. He has given us life and life more abundant that we may be true living sacrifices unto Him.
By no means am I saying that this is an easy way to live. It is not but this is exactly why the Holy Spirit was sent to dwell among us as our Teacher, Comforter, and Helper. It is up to us to intentionally seek Him and be open to receive all that He has in store for us.
Choosing to Seek God First
As I continued my journey with the Lord, I discovered more about myself as He made me, and I also continued to learn more about the things that God wanted to teach me in each season of my life. As I leaned into the small group sessions hosted by my church, my desire for God intensified. I started having new experiences with Him – dreams, visions, encounters, hearing His voice. I was excited for all of it.
During this time, the Lord instructed me to go ahead with the purchase of a onesie. I could not contain myself! I shook my husband awake and told him about the instruction. He turned over and said, “Okay”. A few days later we went to the store and purchased the onesie. The whole way back to work I was smiling nonstop as I thought about what this could mean for us. Could our baby be on the way? Was this the Lord’s way of preparing us for what was to come? Would it finally happen? Is this our promised child? So many thoughts rushed through my mind on that short drive back to work. When I got home that day, we both sat with the onesie on my stomach imagining what it would be like to actually be pregnant.
One week later, my husband said he believed the Lord was saying we should give it away. I was completely shaken. I responded with, “Let’s pray on that because I’m not so sure about that one”. Undoubtedly, his initial leading was confirmed. At that point I was heartbroken. Why would God give me such hope then take it away? Do you remember that entitlement I mentioned earlier? It was rearing its head again. I decided that obedience to God was more important to me than my hurt feelings so we prayed and asked God to show us who should receive this onesie. He showed us our friends, another couple dealing with infertility. We met them, gave it to them and around the same time the following year, my godson was born! How great is our God!
This was such a testimony of God’s faithfulness. If I had chosen to dwell in my hurt feelings and not move on what the Lord had instructed, then what would that outcome have been? I can’t say but what I do know is that I am thankful everyday that I did what He instructed me to do. Why? Because there is a bigger picture than what I can see or even fully comprehend. I firmly believe that God’s plan is perfect and as I follow His plan, I will live my best life. I am made by Him and for Him. My best life can therefore only come through Him. I came out of that experience with joy and increased faith. I saw God work in my friend’s life in a way that she was not expecting. She had moved on from the idea of having children, but God had other plans, which He used me to help execute. That onesie was a constant reminder to my friends that we were believing and praying for them. When their faith was weak, they remembered that they had people they could lean on for support and encouragement.
“…I am thankful everyday that I did what He instructed me to do. Why? Because there is a bigger picture than what I can see or even fully comprehend.”
Broken Before God
By this time in my journey, more and more friends were having babies. Some were even uncomfortable sharing their joyous news with me because they thought it would make me sad about not having my own. It didn’t. I was able to celebrate with each of them and join in the celebration of the lives they carried. While I still desired to be a mother, it was no longer an idol for me…or so I thought. The Lord asked me a second time, “What if I don’t grant you this desire of conception?”. This time, I hesitated but I responded, “I will still serve you”. Six years into my walk with God, He asked me the question a third time. Just the night before, I had poured out my heart to Him about how incomplete I felt, how much brokenness was there and that I was at the end of myself. I had tried to keep it together for so many years but that night, I broke. I cried to the Lord for two whole hours until I fell asleep. That is when I realized that I was trying to “protect my heart” from God. I was afraid to be hurt again so I did not fully surrender this desire for motherhood to Him. But that night, when I confessed that I was at the end of myself, He said, “Good, that’s where you need to be”. When I awoke to the question for the third time, there was no hesitation, just worship.
Living Out God’s Plan
In that moment I understood, I finally got it! This journey is not about waiting for God to do something for me. It is about me being fully surrendered to what He has called me to do for Him, however He wants me to do it. It is about being at His service, a living sacrifice, staying on the altar before Him even when it hurts. This was my moment of true freedom. I was no longer bound to or by my desire for a child. That freed me to execute on His instructions with no demands attached. The very next year, based on God’s guidance, I became a mom of not one, but two baby boys through foster care. While one was reunited with his family, the other remains in our care, filling our home with laughter, cries, dancing and joy every day. That’s another story for another day but suffice to say, I would have never expected this direction, but God always knew.
So, my encouragement to you is this: whatever you are waiting for, surrender it fully to God and trust His direction for your life. It may not look like everyone else’s and that is okay. Embrace your call and walk your path. Serve God above all else. Align your desires with His will and watch as they become your reality.
